Mr l’Ace and I have a theory – you can tell a lot about how people have sex by watching how they eat.
We are huge fans of people watching. Are they on a first date? What have they argued about? They are both married – but do you think they are actually married to each other?
Over dinner one night, we started comparing how people were scoffing down chow to how we reckoned they’d get down in the sack.
The ones sitting up straight, prim and proper. Daintily cutting up perfect sized morsels, chewing carefully, swallowing quietly, and not talking with their mouth full. We have two theories – they either approach sex in the same way they approach their dinner. Well-rehearsed moves in a well-choreographed routine, worried about how every movement is seen and interpreted by others. Never really letting go. Not really knowing how to let go. Or… they are a well-trained sub, sitting with their Dom. Cautious of acting in any way that will displease their master, and the bittersweet punishment which will result…
You have the ones digging in with almost no thought or consideration for what they are putting in their mouths. They could literally be shovelling in sand for all the enjoyment they get from their food. Creating a mess, both on the table and over their faces. And not caring for how this may repulse others. Completely self-absorbed. And that is how they fuck. With little or no consideration for the delicious dish they should be delighting in. Selfishly tucking in, juices flowing all over the place, until they decide they are replete. Err, sorry, I’m not done yet…?!
Those who sit there in silence and constantly on their phones….these people elicit both outrage and despair in me. If you cannot devote a couple of hours to the person sitting opposite you, and have no interest in their general wellbeing, how the hell can you connect and engage in great sex?? I usually end up feeling sorry for them – surely they cannot be happy. These are the people who get into bed, turn their backs on each other, and check Facebook one more time before turning the light out and going to sleep without even a kiss goodnight.
Then you get the ones who place their elbows on the table, not out of rudeness, but purely to get closer to the one opposite. Who may eat occasionally with one hand, so that they can gesticulate, tell stories and touch with the other. They indulge in their food whilst visually savouring their partner. Steal chips from the other’s plate with the same cheek as they would playfully slap their behind. They wipe tiny remnants of food from the corners of their mouths and lick their fingers, all whilst looking their partner straight in the eye and wordlessly whispering ‘Now, which part of you would you like me to do THIS to….?’ They are basically food fucking across the table, and you just know that dinner to them is merely a prelude to the actual feast. It could be an expensive restaurant in London, or a McDonalds at a service station. But you can only imagine that those two have mind-blowing sex.
You will never be able to eat in a restaurant the same way again… enjoy!
Amendment: Since eating out over the weekend, we have decided there are a few dishes which ought to be exempt from this rule. Such as Spaghetti Bolognese and any shellfish which requires dismemberment.