During a weekend away, sitting in a dungeon bar and having a beer after a long day out and about, Mr l’Ace and I got chatting to the group of people sitting around us.
One were a MF Ds couple, who had booked their hotel without even realising that a play dungeon bar resided in the basement beneath (surely this would appear on TripAdvisor?!). He was a full on, non-wavering DOM. His sub was very sweet and well-behaved. Both were dressed in their usual vanilla day clothes.
The other couple were also MF who were dressed in full latex. He a catsuit with metal collar and cuffs, she a latex dress with thigh high latex stockings and kinky boots. On first impression they looked like they were only into BDSM, but after chatting a while it turns out they were mainly swingers who were also into kink.
This led to a very interesting experience. The fact that the latex couple were both into BDSM and enjoyed the swinging lifestyle blew the Dom’s mind. According to him, die-hard BDSM practitioners don’t swing. Ever. Never ever.
But the latex couple did. And were having a great time. They loved to dress up, which is a fetish in its own right, and they enjoyed and regularly practised light BDSM. Whilst at the dungeon bar, they arranged a hook up via Fab Swingers and left later to join a swinging party. Dom was freaking out a little by this point.
We added our opinion into the mix – that we both Switch. That is, we both play Dom and sub depending on our mood. In fact, we can start a session one way round and finish the opposite. We just go with the flow. He didn’t get this either. ‘You must be one or the other!’ he proclaimed. ‘You can’t mix! You can’t change!’.
Err, yes, actually, we can. Just because YOU can’t, doesn’t mean that others can’t. And that doesn’t make it wrong, just different to you. Equally, just because someone else has an alternative view or lifestyle doesn’t mean it’s an open criticism of yours.
His whole world revolved around being Dominant. And he NEEDED, really needed, to be Dominant. To control every little thing that he and his sub did. And to him, swinging was a threat to his Dominance. To his security. To how he saw his place in the world and everything in it.
Which can be understood. To many couples the thought of swinging is a threatening and potentially damaging one. And it can be, unless you are in a very secure place with firmly established rules and constant open communication.
And because of this, I found his position to be quite interesting. Although he was so fiercely Dominant, aggressively so at times, he was obviously not completely SECURE in his Ds relationship. I felt that his need for complete Dominance was a lot about the need for control, but as a result of insecurity.
It is actually quite common for Doms to loan out their subs. Or to allow them to go to clubs alone as long as they wear their collar to show that they are owned. In this act of confidence and allowance they are actually validating the trust and control that they have in their sub.
Take ‘M’ who we met at Sexhibition this year. She is a sub, owned by a female Dom who is engaged to be married to her male partner (got that? Feel free to read that again). Her Dom had allowed her to come alone. Proudly wearing her collar “out of respect”, we got chatting about her lifestyle and those of others.
What transgressed was a long stream of questions from her such as ‘So do you…? What about…? What are your feelings on…?’
And what transpired is that I very much believe in being transient. Just do whatever feels good. Great, even. There, at that moment, for as long as it continues to feel good.
Just because something worked for you last year, don’t feel like it has to be a life choice. You are not doing yourself or anyone else an injustice if it just isn’t doing it any more or you would like to try something else.
You want to try the Ds lifestyle? Try it. If you decide to go for it full time, great. If you only like to dabble for special weekends away, that’s great too.
Want to experiment with your sexuality? Why the hell not. Just make sure you are safe. You want to make sure it is an enjoyable experience that doesn’t come back to bite you in the arse.
You and the other half are out one night and decide you’d both like to flirt and chat up other people. If you are both feeling this and are safe and secure in your own relationship, do it if it will bring you pleasure. If you don’t feel like to want or need to do it again for a month, year, whatever, who cares?
There is a lot of emphasis out there on what label to you belong to. How would you categorise yourself. How do you rationalise your place in the world.
Note to self; This process only helps OTHER PEOPLE. It allows them to file you neatly into a safe or unsafe folder, where they can get their head around you and ‘understand’ you. A bit like ticking the ‘Sexuality’ box on those bloody forms about equality.
I don’t fit into a box.
I have lots of boxes.
And sometimes I like to have different fingers in a few boxes at a time.
Over time I might add a box, or take one away.
And as long as I am happy, safe and not hurting anyone, I don’t see why my box is any business of yours.
Want to try your hand at BDSM? Take a look at our range of whips, floggers, blindfolds, handcuffs and restraints here.