The BDSM Life Balance

Posted on 25/10/2016

Guess who’s back? sub is back…

Has it really been a month since my first article appeared here on the KRG blog?  They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it also flies when you’re working full time, doing the school run, grocery shopping, running a blog, eating pizza and generally living life.  It’s a wonder there’s even time to fit BDSM into the busy schedule.  So… how do we do it?

 

It’s a Fine Balance

Well, the honest truth is that sometimes we don’t; you see, the key to our relationship is that we both get what we want.  Whilst I would love to sit here and tell you that every weekend sees us kinking it up, and getting our kicks (and slaps), the reality is that it just doesn’t happen that way.  

After all, Mistress is a soppy romantic at heart, and she loves cuddles, romance, back-tickles and a spot of spooning.  Life sometimes means we don’t even have chance for that – there’s often a night when we both just collapse into bed and sleep.

This, really, is the key to working BDSM into your relationship.  Think of it as pizza.  Pizza is the greatest thing ever, but if you were to eat it every night, well, you’d probably not be very happy.  And so it is with BDSM; it has to live alongside everything else in your life – work, family, friends, romance.  

 

Finding Time for Kinky Fuckery

If you’ve read any of my experiences on subsmissives, you’ll be forgiven for thinking that BDSM necessarily requires a whole day or even several days to be set aside.  Fear not!  The thing is, that those stories on my blog are just the juiciest biggest cherries on a tree, beneath these lay bunch upon bunch of just as tasty but smaller cherries.  

Having the time to do those big BDSM scenes is awesome, but reality bites, and sadly they are few.  Much easier is finding time to be a little kinky.  The most obvious way to do is treat it like a hobby.  Sunday? Family day together; Monday? Football; Tuesday? Homework with the children; Wednesday? Catch up on TV; Thursday? Slimming Fat club; Friday? Drinks.   

Finding time together is the important part of a successful relationship – regardless of whether it’s cuddles & chatting or crops & canes.  Make time for it in your routine, and just take it in turns.  

 

Communication is Vital

Take it in turns to do what?  Well, you know your partner way better than I do – what do they want, what do you want?  Talk and share ideas, not only is it a great way to get closer, but it can actually be really hot if you start describing in detail something you want to do together.  It might even lead to an ad-hoc session.  

The importance of communication in BDSM is key – so start as you mean to go on, and share your ideas, your fantasies and your curiosities.

M likes a massage, she likes sitting down and watching TV together, she likes just having a chat, she likes going out for a (non-pizza-based) meal together.  I like bondage, spanking, sensory play and being dominated. The two lists are hardly compatible.  Or are they…?  More of this in a minute.

 

Your Rules, Your Way

The thing with BDSM is that it’s what you make of it – if you remember nothing else from my words, remember this.  

When I started off on this pathway, I did research, such is my nature.  And this time, research means more than just asking twitter.  I read, not just google results, but actual pieces of paper with words on.  

What did I find out?  I found out that there’s a bloody lot of people who think they know how to do BDSM, and that you should do it like them.  I also found out there’s a smaller but also vocal group of people who will sing the praises of BDSM but then try and scare you away from trying it.  

Don’t listen to them! Whatever you and your partner decide is fine; your rules, your way.  There’s no right or wrong way – just your way.  I wrote more about normal on my blog.

 

Multi-Tasking = More Kinky Fun

Back to that incompatible list.  It’s oft said that us chaps aren’t so good at multitasking. Well, you better gem up on those skills, since multitasking will make your kinky life a hell of a lot more interesting.  

One of the very first things we did in this vein was that Mistress chose a buttplug for me to wear whilst we went out.  That day, with buttplug in situ, we took our children on a playdate with some close friends, and also went to the in-laws for a spot of luncheon –  a prime example of mixing the everyday with the kinky.  Maybe you’ve read PING, another example on my blog.

The wider point here is that BDSM doesn’t need to be confined to your bedroom, or even to your house.  In my opinion, as long as you’re causing no harm or offense to anyone else, give it a go.  

You might think it is hiding your kinks, but it’s more about discretion and seizing the opportunity.

 

Family Life – Chores vs A Secret Punishment

Clearly with this multitasking business, some things are going to be more suitable than others, and it goes back to finding the balance.  But, being dominated in particular is surprisingly simple to work into family life.  

Between work and family and sleep, it sometimes feels like there’s actually no time for kinky stuff.  But what the children, or in-laws, or anyone else for that matter might see as a loving husband massaging his wife’s feet could be entirely different.  It might actually be a punishment or challenge – an hour long foot-rub with no break.  Doing all the chores whilst she watches TV might be seen as giving her a rest, when in actual fact it is slave doing her bidding.  You could dispense with the word thank you, or create a nickname that you use when being dominated.  This can then lead you into submission when you are apart.

 

When You’re Apart

In the age of technology, we are, for better or worse, ever obtainable.  Use this fact to your kinky advantage.  As with my PING story, the SMS holds much power, and with WhatsApp and similar messaging services, you can set challenges for when you are apart.  One of the favourite things we do is that Mistress writes on the inside of my thigh.  It’s hardly risqué, but we both know it’s there, and does add an edge to day-to-day life.  Other things we have done include being sent out in lingerie, being tasked to buy a gift for Mistress and to slip certain words or phrases into conversation.  

An added dimension to this is tease and denial play.  I think it’s pretty common practice for couples to send each other naked selfies now, so why stop there?  Send a masturbating selfie or a video.  Kink it up; cut the video off before the finale; send a message saying “look but don’t touch”; send images of a crop with the message “waiting for you”.  BDSM is as much psychological as it is the physical sensations.

 

The spelling mistake is deliberate since she knows it'd bother me

The spelling mistake is deliberate since she knows it’d bother me

 

It’s All in the Mind

For me, getting the mind involved is a massive part of BDSM.  I’ve written quite extensively about it on my blog. Whether it be the promise of things to come, or a bit of trickery, or some imagery that Mistress has put into my head, she gets my mind racing and I’m all hers.  This can go on and on and on; the only limit to it is your own determination – in the times when BDSM opportunities are few and far between, a bit of brain stimulation can fill the gap very well.

It can be verbal, written, imagery, imaginary, fantastical, it doesn’t matter – just get that grey matter firing off electrons, and when the opportunity for the physical indulgence comes it will be all the greater.

Filling the gap between those opportunities is something that we’ve become very adept at doing, and have an unwritten list of quick spur-of-the-moment BDSM activities that we can whip out when the opportunity arises.

 

Quick Wins

Our most indulged BDSM quick-win is the bitten nipple.  It makes an appearance several times a week; Mistress knows I love it, and depending upon her playfulness she’ll either give it a good crunch or a playful tweak, but y’know, it’s enough, enough to keep the need sated.  

Other quick wins are spanking, especially the spank test;  a quick post-vanilla-orgasm spot of face sitting; some edge-play, a quick, hard and meaningful cock squeeze.  

Slightly longer quick wins include hot wax play, some blindfolded teasing and some cuffed sensory play.  What works for you will really depend on what it is about BDSM that you like.

Coupled with some mind trickery, making use of quick wins will help you fill the gap until you can indulge in something a bit meatier; some more in depth play, something to make time for.

 

Making Time for the Long Play

My absolute favourite thing about BDSM is giving myself to Mistress for a longer period of time.  24 hours is good, 48 is better, 72 is awesome.  But the opportunity to do this is just so few and far between, and finding the time needs outside help and meticulous planning.

The first part of the plan is to find some babysitters, preferably ones who will have the kids overnight. The in-laws are quite often our unwitting kinky assistants.  Then we begin some planning – pre-scene planning and idea sharing, recapping what kit we have and what we’ve done in the past that has and hasn’t worked.  

Next I would consider taking time off work, to extend the weekend, especially if the children are at school or in formal childcare.  Gotta make the most of it.

Next I try to calm down, expectation management – it’s entirely possible that some element of the plan will fall over.  But eeeek so excited.  I can be a bit terrible here, and Mistress likes to keep me in check.

 

Make Memories

They say you have to make the most of the good times, so make sure you take it all in, the smells, the sounds, the feelings.  Keys to unlock the memory cupboard in the future.  You could always blog about it – that seems like a good idea.

Debrief, talk about what worked, what didn’t and what you’d do differently – share the moments and be happy and loving – it’s your BDSM, your rules.

 

Until next time…

And so my advice is imparted, and I will go and rest and plan the next kinky adventure.  Just think, I could be that chap you pass every morning with a spring in his step.

Join me next time when I’ll be exploring how to break the ice and tell your partner you want to experience submission.

 

Read More…

Introduction to a Submissive

Domme Me Please… How to Ask To Be Dominated

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