I Am A Man Who Wants To Be Better at Sex

Posted on 08/11/2016

For me, this means lasting longer. However, I often have the opposite problem and struggle to get or maintain an erection. I’m on antidepressants. What can I do to help?

I want to address this in two parts. Firstly, I would like to say I am not medically trained and am unwilling to give any medical advice. This advice is from a sexual perspective; I am not going to touch on the medical aspects other than to say you should be aware some antidepressants can have this side effect. You should check the side effects of your antidepressants, and maybe speak to your GP about switching to something else if you think they are causing the problem. Even if they are that doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling sex life. You talk about how for you being better at sex means lasting longer, my suggestions can be applied no matter your situation. I am making also going to be using my experience to guide my advice.

No matter the formulation of a sexual relationship sex isn’t just about penetration; yes it can be a fun aspect of it but it’s not everything. According to Planned Parenthood statistics as many as 80 percent of women have difficulty orgasming from vaginal intercourse alone. If your partner is female, this could easily mean that you lasting longer may not improve the experience for your her. There are gay men who don’t enjoy penetration but still have great sex. And if sex was just about penis in something, then lesbians would never have sex, which is not the case.

Many people would say what I’m suggesting here is just extending foreplay, but I prefer to think of it as moreplay. I dislike the word/phrase foreplay because it makes it sound as if everything you do before a certain point is ‘warm up’, leading to a main event. The main event being penetration but the aspects of sex that most people think of as ‘just’ foreplay, are a big part of sex for many people. Penetration is just one ingredient in a big recipe.

You can make sex last for hours without a need for you to be hard the whole time. I strongly recommend communicating with your partner, find out what they need. I understand how difficult that might be but knowing how they’re feeling could help you make things better.

I would suggest extending this part of your sexual relationship, take your time over ‘foreplay’. For me this can mean connecting mentally as well as physically. It sounds contrived but taking time to set the scene, and making it something more than usual, can really help. Candles, massage, wine, etc. can all add to the build-up. Make sure your partner is enjoying themselves; if they are the type of person who can orgasm multiple times in a session, do your best to make it happen. Use your fingers and mouth (and tongue) to build their arousal. Remember there are other areas of the body that can be sexually stimulating. For example, I have an area just above my collar bone that when kissed, licked, sucked, or nibbled sends shoots of feeling straight to my cunt. Explore your partner’s body as if it’s the first time; touch, taste, tease them. Pretend it’s all new and you are trying to learn what makes them wet, what turns them on.

Takes turns doing this to each other. If you lose your erection or can’t get hard try not to dwell on it, just go back to enjoying your partner’s body. If you still want to try penetration, doing all this first means that even if the penetration doesn’t last as long as YOU would like, your partner will hopefully already be pretty well satisfied by this point.

I’d now like to touch on something you haven’t mentioned, YOUR pleasure. Do you feel like you are missing out because of not being able to maintain an erection? Can you get erect when playing solo? Do you stay erect longer? If not, you could try some toys. Find out what you need to help you. While I strongly feel you should be communicating with your partner, and exploring with them, it can help a lot if YOU know what YOUR body needs. Try having some quality alone time, explore your own body, see if you can work out a way to extend things on your own. This will give you the knowledge and vocabulary to guide your partner when exploring together. There are some great male toys out there at the moment. I think a good one for your situation might be the Pulse II Duo. It can be used from soft, and is specially designed for men, with plenty of research behind it.

I hope you find this advice helpful, and it guides you to open communication and exploration with your partner.

Take care out there, and have good sex.


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