Here in November’s instalment Knicker Rocker Glory’s very own Mistress of the Boudoir, Ruby L’Ace interviews sub from subsmissives to get the lowdown on how best to achieve your fantasies of Female Domination as a part of a BDSM lifestyle.
R: When did you first realise you needed submission?
S: I can’t really pinpoint a time or an event that marks the spark or even the realisation that I needed Female Domination in my life. M and I have always been a little ultra-normal in our sexual activities – role play, anal play and sex toys have always been part of our intimacy – I guess this is just an extension of that.
R: So why submission for you personally?
S: Well, I think I’m that way inclined. I’ve always been someone who looks out for other people, so doing things for others is natural for me. Couple that with this addiction to sex toys I developed a few years ago, and suddenly I’ve become this chap who wants to give his wife the most amazing orgasms ever.
R: Wouldn’t most blokes want to give their partner amazing orgasms?
S: I guess so, but it seems to me that many men paint themselves as dominant, especially in the light of Fifty Shades of Grey. Although, I’ve been thinking for a while actually that the difference between being submissive and being dominant comes down to 2 things really – control and self-awareness.
R: What is it about control?
S: I suppose that historically, men have been the ones in control, and moving in the circles I move in in the sex-positive blogosphere, I fully support feminism and the right of both sexes to be equal. I’m just showing that you can absolutely be a run-of-the-mill bloke and hand that control to your partner.
My wife, M, she’s a woman, and she knows exactly what she likes – and I’m trying to learn that, under her guidance and control. Even though I have spent a lot of time reading and researching – she’s different to everyone else so why would I not let her tell me how to please her?
R: So how does that then lead to submission?
S: This is what I meant by self-awareness – yes everyone of a similar mindset wants their partner to have the best experiences possible, but this is a 2-way street, and I suppose I’ve become sufficiently self-aware to realise that I needed that added dimension of Domination. The thrill I get from her giving me instructions, of both pleasing and displeasing based on those instructions. It gets me in a place that no physical contact ever has or ever will. It gets me right inside, at the base of spine, up my back, across my shoulders, through my chest, up my neck. Shivers like you’ve never experienced. This is the thrill, this is feeling alive. And you know what? If I’d never have had the courage to ask M to dominate me, I’d never have known it.
R: How did you talk to M about your desires?
S: Well, I broke the ice in a really cowardly way. I sent her an email. I’m one of these blokes that just can’t voice their thoughts very well. I may possess a knack with the written word, and a riposte that could cut through a lemon, but when it comes to life, I’m not so good, so yeah I sent an email.
R: I wouldn’t call that cowardly! Why did an email feel like the safest option?
S: I suppose I was afraid of rejection, and verbal rejection is so much harder to deal with than electronic rejection – yes I’m a coward, but well, it’s done now. What is more important, and more useful to your readers is what was in that email, since that can be done regardless of the method used.
R: So how did you go about wording your request to M to ask for her Domination?
S: I was mostly nervous that M might misinterpret what I wanted to say as me saying I wasn’t happy in our relationship. I was happy, but I wanted to explore more. So I started by saying what a wonderful woman she is, I listed everything I love about her and us, before opening up the submissive conversation, here is a snippet
R: Wow! What was M’s reaction?
S: What you might expect really – she wanted to know more. I really don’t know why I was so stupid – I know the relationship M and I have is solid – I suppose it’s that fear of rejection that was clouding my judgement.
R: So how did you move forward?
S: We had a chat, a long long long chat, and consequently a late night. But it was awesome, and ended in a spot of spanking yeehaw!! We spoke about our relationship, our love, we had a chat about my email, and what I wanted, we spoke about what things M wanted that we weren’t doing so much of, and we had cuddles. It was great, a real quality couple evening, even if you’re not talking about spanking and bondage, I thoroughly recommend doing it anyway.
The most important thing for the submission though was that I found out what she was worried about, and what her questions were. It also became apparent that although this was my instigation, there was still a lot I didn’t know.
R: What were your next steps?
S: Research of course, in the modus of the millennial, I took to Google and searched for resources to help M, and also to try to define what it was that I wanted; what I meant by submission. This really was where the work began, and the biggest lesson I learned was that, no matter what anyone else says, Fetlife is not a good place for a newbie to start research.
R: So what did you end up deciding on, for your own submission, to start with? And how did you come to that conclusion?
S: The very first thing we did was actually to visit a local sex toy boudoir, it just seemed like the easiest place to start. I was butt-plugged, and had to treat M with the full respect a Mistress deserves. I acted as chauffeur, doorman, porter and anything else she fancied. I paid for all the shopping. Then we went for a meal, and I was only allowed to talk when she instructed me, again I paid. We went home, and I waited on her, and then I had spankings.
R: So you don’t recommend Fetflife for newbies – any nuggets of advice for the readers, any websites you’d recommend?
S: There are so many resources, it’s difficult to recommend anything specific, partly because everyone’s wants will be different, but also because many guides are aimed at women. Really, just communicate, be honest and open and true to yourself.
R: And is that where your story ends?
S: No! Life is busy, things change, and sometimes you forget. We often have chats about reviving the submission, because sometimes it can be awhile since we last did it, and sharing the memories and ideas shares the responsibility and the enjoyment. My story continues over on subsmissives.com