Ask a Sexpert – I’m a 26 Year Old Bisexual Male Who Struggles to Orgasm During Sex

Posted on 11/04/2017

Ask a Sexpert and Save Our Sex #SOS

Q: Hi, 26yo male here, consider myself to be bisexual. In good shape, but without an ego. Not exactly sure how to put this, but basically when I’m with someone, I cant seem to ..finish, whereas alone I can, after a while.. I don’t know why, I have no problem in the hard-on department, though my experience is limited to casual sex with lads. I’ve never really been ‘in love’, despite attempts at online dating which for the most part only caters to black or white, and is swamped by bitter ‘trolls’ and time-wasters, women just don’t seem interested, whereas with lads it’s mostly just sex, ..social life isn’t as active these days so online seems the most obvious route. yet it does nothing for me. Any insight, advice, would be appreciated, thanks.

 

A: Difficulty reaching orgasm can be frustrating and worrying, especially when you can’t work out what’s going on. But it’s great that you’ve realised something’s not right with your sex life because the longer you continue to have unsatisfactory sex, the more likely it is that this issue could become a pattern.

The good news is that you’re getting and maintaining an erection, and that you can orgasm on your own. It sounds like you’ve got the potential to enjoy sex to the max and it’s unlikely there’s anything physically wrong.

I’m struck by how you’ve described online dating, and wonder whether you’re not really feeling at home there. It sounds like it’s tough to be trusting while weeding out trolls and time wasters, and it’s not delivering what you truly want. Plus if you’re not actually that attracted to who you’re having sex with, it’s no surprise you’re holding back and that your arousal isn’t flowing in the right direction.

You’ve also mentioned your social life is fairly quiet, so I wonder if what you’re really craving is connection – which can be an important factor when sharing sexual experiences with another person.

It can be difficult to surrender fully during sex when you’re not really invested, and I wonder if that’s what’s happening? The more connected and comfortable you feel with a partner, the more open you’ll be about what feels good and what you really enjoy. Could it be possible you’ve outgrown quick, goal oriented, disconnected sex and you desire something more? It may be that you’re craving ways to fully express your sexuality, so perhaps it’s time to consider how you can make this happen.

Finally, it’s worth mentioning that you could be experiencing some performance anxiety if you’ve found yourself unable to orgasm a number of times now. Anxiety about repeated failure can be a real blocker to your body’s sexual response, leaving you feeling disappointed and undermining your confidence.

I’d encourage you to consider developing your social life and personal interests so that you’re meeting more people outside the cut throat online world. And when you are connecting with potential sex partners online, make a resolve to only have sex with those you’re feeling properly attracted to. I’m not saying that you need to stop having casual sex, but it’s worth mulling over how you can be more certain that casual sex can meet your needs.

More openness about the kind of sex you want and what it might be like may help you assess compatibility with possible partners  –  a bit of verbal foreplay online can do wonders to build excitement and anticipation too! And while we’re on the subject of online hook-ups, are you looking in the right places to find partners whose interests and preferences match your own? Sometimes it’s beneficial to shop around.

On a physical level, remembering that sex doesn’t have to lead to orgasm is a good way to take the pressure off yourself – surrendering to pleasurable sensations without worrying about the end point is the best way to feel relaxed and free. Exploring and experimenting with how to have those pleasurable sensations is where all the fun lies, whether alone or with a partner.

Enjoy! XOXO

Rhian

 

 

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