(We recognise that you may have a female anatomy but may identify differently. This post is written about the female anatomy but we make no assumptions about gender or sexual identity.)
The female body is often thought of as a great mystery when it comes to sexual pleasure. For a start, what really happens sexually is cleverly concealed by the external folds of the vulva. Plus the popular myths of penetration-focused sex culture mean emphasis is placed on the vagina far too swiftly for the rhythmic pounding that it’s assumed will be the main event.
Of course, many of us do enjoy penetration. But let’s face it, smoking hot, sticky, orgasmic fun is rarely just achieved this way. To really get the honey flowing, a skilled lover needs to know how to push their partner’s button and that means getting acquainted with the clitoris – the major female sexual organ.
You may be surprised to hear what a big deal the clitoris is. With 8,000 nerve endings it’s a powerhouse of sensation not to be underestimated. And while the only visible external part is the small bulb tucked safely away inside its protective hood, the entire organ is a whopping 10cm long.
Check out this 3D model of the clitoris if you’d like to know what it is you’re actually working with. It grows and swells as erotic charge is built and has the power to activate a mind-blowing 15,000 pelvic nerve endings. This may explain the tidal wave of nether-region warmth often reported with the deep, expansive orgasms that belong in the memory bank of truly great sex.
So what’s the secret to manipulating your lover’s magic button to super-charge orgasmic potential? Everyone is unique and you’ll need to follow the cues and clues to be sure you’re on the right track, but here are a few tips and tricks to help you along the way.
Everything feels softer and sweeter with a little lubrication. Pawing and rubbing at a dry vulva and clitoris can, at worst, be painful and your partner will switch off. Find out what kind of foreplay hits the spot. A large percentage of people enjoy deep French kissing, for example. Build arousal so that they’re naturally receptive to the pleasure in store. Whether you use natural moisture, a drop of saliva or a chemical-free lube, your efforts at clitoral stimulation will be 100% more successful this way.
Tantric yoni massage is the sacred sexual art of caressing the vulva with a healing touch. It is said to promote couple connection and reawaken the female sexual organs. While we don’t need to go into the whole practice now, you can certainly learn a few lessons from how it’s done. Spending time gently touching and massaging the perineum, the outer and inner labia and the area around the bulb of the clitoris is a perfect warm-up activity. Slowly build the burn before going anywhere near the clitoris itself. The perineum and labia are packed with sensory nerve endings. Your partner will find this relaxing and erotic, surrendering more easily to the intense clitoral sensations that will drive them wild.
Work with the Whole Organ
Remember only a tiny portion of the clitoris is external. Gently massaging the front inner wall of the vagina can reach the internal shafts of an engorged clitoris and create a whole range of new sexual feelings to enjoy. You can also reach hidden depths by pushing firmly on the pubic area – try making small circles there with the pads of your fingers or thumbs. This helps spread pleasure throughout the pelvic area and your partner will feel the depth and breadth of their clitoral orgasm for longer, especially after they’ve just peaked. You may need to experiment with when and how to use these techniques if they’re new to you both.
Don’t Over Stimulate
The clitoris is incredibly sensitive and the way it responds to your touch may differ from occasion to occasion. A repeated action that isn’t effective can interrupt the cycle of arousal and may even feel uncomfortable. The clitoris can become over stimulated to the point where it becomes numb. Then it’s game over.
If your technique doesn’t seem to be working well, ask for guidance or change the direction and pressure of your stroke. Sometimes it can help to cease direct stimulation of the clitoris for a few minutes to allow sensation to subside before getting back into the job at hand. Encourage your partner to offer some verbal feedback so that you know whether you’re hitting the sweet spot or whether something different is required.
If this post has whet your appetite for more information, you’d like some tips on tantalising techniques or have a specific question about sex, love or relationships, drop me a line via our Ask a Sexpert service!