Don’t play to win – stop adulting with your sex and restore the fun in your boudoir
In my counselling work I’m always talking to couples and singles about being less goal oriented with their sex. When your eye is only on one prize – orgasm – sex can become hasty, routine and formulaic. This can contribute to loss of mojo and sexual boredom, making sex more of a chore and less of a thrill, especially in established relationships when we risk becoming creatures of habit.
I notice that when the joy and creativity disappears from the bedroom, the topic of sex feels much heavier and more serious. It’s like fun and laughter in the boudoir gets forgotten. I’ve often observed this happening for my clients alongside ‘grown-up’ developments in their lives as they push forward their careers, become parents or buy houses.
When you’re too busy ‘adulting’ you forget how to play. What this really means is you can’t remember how to let yourself flow, to try things out just for the experience, to get a little messy and worry about cleaning up later or to laugh when things aren’t perfect or don’t quite go to plan.
Imagine how free it would feel to see sex as just play. Removing the goals takes the pressure right off so you can get back into those marathon sessions, experiment without expectations of the outcome, dabble with different sexual sensations beyond genital stimulation and enjoy every moment of the process.
Playing alone is just as important as playing with a partner. A more fun-loving, sensation seeking mindset creates lovers who really want to experience each other when they have sex, and they’re not just there to achieve the end game. When you do have orgasms they’ll feel freer and less like a ‘performance’. They may also be more intense due to the gradual build up you enjoy during sex play. You’ll find yourself left with better memories of your sexual experiences based on the journey rather than the destination.
How you play is really up to you. But if you want some ideas to get started, here’s a few links to some of the best treasures on the shelves of the KRG shop guaranteed to make your play the most interesting it’s ever been.
Role play and dressing up – Masks are powerful. Slip behind a mask and it is easy to feel yourself becoming another person. You naturally flirt behind one, sneaking sexy glances at your loved one. Shop our masks and blindfolds to start stoking your alternative self into a hot smouldering siren.
BDSM – BDSM stands for Bondage Domination Sado-Masochism. You do not need to involve all of these traits to enjoy a bit of BDSM, and you certainly don’t need to think that you are dark, depraved or deviant for enjoying any one of these elements. Simply handcuffing your partner to the bed (these ones are lockable too!) so that you are free to do whatever you want to them, or tickling someone with a feather whilst they are blindfolded, counts as BDSM. Like masks, a blindfold is a powerful accessory as sensory deprivation simply heightens the other senses and makes even the lightest touch seem so much more. A cheeky slap of a curvaceous behind during foreplay with your hand or a double-sided leather paddle can shock and delight.
Sex Toys – Yes couples do use sex toys together during sex. Remote control vibrators are particularly popular with coupled sex, as you have to surrender the power and control of your pleasure to someone else. Remote control anal vibrators are extremely popular too! Vibrating cock rings which give pleasure to both, anal sex toys to increase the sense of fullness or to stimulate the prostate, or cock rings with added anal vibrators so that each movement is met with a delicious tug in just the right place.
Massage – massage can be relaxing, it can be deep, and it can be teasing and slowly build up a sexual charge. A simple massage can often take surprising turns! One of the joys of massage is that it’s a great excuse to get naked with your belle de jour and feel them up all over the place – but don’t go straight to the sweet spots! Those sweet spots get even riper when ignored and the rest of the body is being stimulated. Try scented massage candles to create both a relaxing atmosphere and warm massage oil, or edible massage candles if you want to add tongues to the game! Use massage oils which are also suitable for intimate use (as many off-the-shelf massage oils are not) and you are free to explore every nook, every curve, without fear of an unwanted burning sensation which could last for days.
Worried about making a mess? The Sheets of San Francisco throw sheets are oil/water/wax/fluid proof, machine washable, and have a wonderful silky texture which just adds to the experience (whilst keeping your own bed, carpet or sofa clean as a whistle).
If this post has whet your appetite for more information, you’d like some tips on tantalising techniques or have a specific question about sex, love or relationships, drop me a line via our Ask a Sexpert service!